Cheap life insurance and term insurance policies, funny quotes and anecdotes from the memoirs of a life assurance salesman.

I said it earlier on but I will say it again; some of the nicest, most dependable and ethical people I ever met were working in the life insurance industry in the seventies and eighties. Irwin was no exception; highly professional, very organised and someone we all respected. However, this didn't stop my and I taking the piss out of him at every opportunity, especially as Irwin suffered from universal alopecia and wore the most dreadful wig.

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I have to say that Irwin always took all our ribbing in good humour, after all, he was a rough tough life assurance salesman who would have received worse from potential clients.

Being the top insurance salesman, Irwin had an office of his own on the floor above us, whilst Mike and I had desks in the main office. We would often see him look through the window of the main insurance office to see if we were in residence. On these occasions he would have a carefully rehearsed jibe that he would direct at us as he came in. However, one of us would always have a better off the cuff remark that we could counter with and this would throw Irwin off because he could never reply with anything as funny. We could think on our feet whilst he had to work to a script even when selling.


Back in the late seventies and early eighties I was single and carefree and because most of my sales appointments took place of an evening, I would often not go out socialising until late in the evening and into the early hours of the morning. Once my suit was taken off and my briefcase put away, I tried to shed the persona of a life insurance salesman and rarely used my social life to canvass for business.

I was out clubbing one night and happened to meet a particularly attractive young lady. One thing led to another and we ended up back her house where her parents were away for the weekend. It was big house in an upmarket part of the city and we were on the sofa taking part in vest manoeuvres when my attention was taken by a photograph on the mantelshelf.

The photograph was of a man who was completely bald and I was distracted just for second because he was looking down at me lying on the sofa with his daughter with a certain amount of what I imagined was distaste. I had never seen Irwin without his wig and it was a second between seeing the photo and registering who it was and whose daughter I was with.

"Jesus Christ it's Irwin Ishmael!" I said jumping up and straightening my clothes.

"Yes, he's my Dad, do you know him." She said without moving off the sofa.

Self preservation is the strangest thing and normally not lost for words I just said. "No!" This was the most stupid thing to say having just shouted out his name and not wanting to make life anymore complicated made my excuses soon afterwards and left. Unusual for me because I had been onto a pretty sure thing; but the last thing I wanted to do was have to face Irwin on the Monday morning.

It was one thing to ask him "did you comb your wig with a firework this morning?" And quite another to add "and by the way I shagged your daughter last night."

Mike thought the whole episode was hilarious and didn't see what I was worried about adding that he though that Irwin wouldn't be angry. Adding "mind you, you shouldn't have wiped your dick on his curtains" when Irwin walked in and strode up to me.

I jumped up and blurted out something like. "I'm sorry Irwin, I didn't realise she was your daughter - nothing happened…" but he just smiled and asked why I had told his daughter I didn't know him. I wanted to say that I didn't think it was the done thing to shag the daughter of another life insurance colleague but I just mumbled something about being embarrassed and the matter was dropped. It was one of the few occasions in my life where I have been lost for words.

It was one thing not to upset the top salesman but something totally else to wind up other salesmen who worked for our life insurance company.

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